Fake Legs and Chewing Gum – A Big Spread…
Mexico and I have always gotten along. This surely is not true for everybody, especially for those who ended up taking a bath in an acid filled 55 gallon drum, but for the last 47 years we still sing a good song. Perhaps it is because it is a country where inefficiency is a virtue, where the hurried are shunned, and where day drinking is applauded and encouraged. All this fits nicely into my wheel house.
To really understand Mexico let us look at one of its past leaders who resides in the 
Black Pantheon of Guys who failed their Nation: Antonio de Padua Maria Severino de Santa Anna y Perez de Lebron, also known as Santa Ana or perhaps in some circles as just Santa. This guy lived a crazy political life having been named President of Mexico eleven non-consecutive times and was still at the end of his life, ready for a come back (we thought Bret Farve was bad). He was the man in charge at the massacres at the Alamo (189 Americans killed including Dave Crockett and Sam Bowie) and at Goliad (executed 342 Texas prisoners) all in 1836. Joel Pointsett (the first US minister to Mexico) called Santa Ana a “polecat in silk clothing” (Joel was an amateur botanist and would send back to the states the beautiful red flowered plant that now graces his name : the Pointsettia.) A month after his wife died, Santa, now 50, married a 15 year old and attempted many coups and presidential runs, but after eleven shots in the high office the good people of Mexico had had enough. He was forgotten and unloved.
But that isn’t why I found interest in this madman in silk. (By the way, he demanded to be called by his subjects the title “Most Serene Highness”. I have no problem with that, having been called the same more than once.) In this case what interests me are artificial legs and chewing gum. A big spread I know, but Santa has his hat in the ring in both instances.
Let’s go back to the famous “French Pastry War” of 1838 to 1839. (not making this up.) What happened is that a French citizen living in Mexico City owned a pastry shop that was ravaged by some boozy Mexican officers after a night on the town and split without payment (who hasn’t thrown down a bunch of eclairs, croissants, and gaugeres after chugging Margaritas). The shop owner filed a claim which was quickly dismissed by Mexican authorities. He complained to the French embassy which appealed to the French government who issued a demand for 60,000 pesos from the Mexican government. (Which was a lot of dough back then (no pun intended), for 1 peso was the daily wage for the average worker.) The Mexicans said NO so the Frenchies invaded, thus started ” the French Pastry War,” and that brings us to Santa Ana. Though disgraced from his defeat in Texas he was still the Main Man in Mexico ( M.M.M.) and he met the French invading army at Veracruz. There, he was hit in the leg by cannon fire, and had his leg amputated, which he buried at his hacienda. The war ends after 4 months – the French got their pesos, and headed back to France to their pastries. After the war Santa Ana arranged for a state funeral for his amputated leg which at that point had been buried for almost 4 years. It was dug up, placed in a crystal vase, taken in a full military dress parade to Mexico City and buried beneath an elaborate monument in Santa Paula cemetery. The funeral involved cannon salvos, speeches, and poems in the general’s honor (we did similar things when our tortoise died last year). So the guy had to get a fake leg.
Let’s now jump to the Mexican-American War (1846-1848) and Santa Ana is fighting American forces at the Battle of Cerro Gordo. He
The captured leg
decides to take a breather and chow down on some fine roasted chicken. His lunch is interrupted by the 4th Regiment Illinois Volunteers (led by a young Robert E. Lee, who 15 years later would command the Confederate forces in the Civil War) who swoop down upon the camp, somehow allowing the one legged Santa to escape (we have to assume by horseback or personal hovercraft), but he leaves behind his wood/cork fake leg and chest of gold coins. The volunteers turned in the gold, but keep the leg. Today, Santa’s fake leg resides at the Illinois
On display
National Guard Museum in the town of Cerro Gordo, Illinois (used to be called Griswold, but because of the victory they changed the town’s name). There is a story that Abner Doubleday while stationed in Mexico during the Mexican American War used the fake leg as a bat to introduce his new game of baseball. This is not true, for Abner Doubleday had nothing to do with the invention of baseball (he is often credited with inventing the game, although he himself never made such claim and there is no evidence to support it. He is not in the Baseball Hall of Fame. However, while in San Francisco after the Civil War, he obtained the first patent for the cable car which he eventually sold.) The Mexican government has requested the leg be returned, but I don’t see this happening anytime soon.
And that finally brings us to Santa Ana and chewing gum. A fellow named Tommy Adams lived in Staten Island and was a photographer and glass maker, among other vocations. To make a little dough on the side he would take in boarders, and in this case it would be the irrepressible General Santa Ana doing some exile time away from Mexico. Santa Ana was in possession of a large amount of chicle, a sticky substance that comes from the Mexican sapodilla tree, and suggested to Adams that he try to vulcanize it as a substitute for rubber. Adams 
tried to make toys, masks, rain boots, and bike tires out of the material, all failures. Preparing to dump the chicle into the East River, Adams popped a piece into his mouth and liked the taste. Chewing away, he had the idea to add flavoring to the chicle. Shortly after, he opened the world’s first chewing gum factory and in February of 1871, “Adams New York Gum No.1″ went on sale in drug stores for a penny a piece. He then added “Chic-lets,” “Black Jack,” and “Tutti-Frutti” to his line and was the first gum to be sold in vending machines. During the next year, Thomas Adams formed the “American Chicle Company” which merged the 6 largest chewing gum manufacturers and remained on its board of directors until he died in 1905. In America, over 195 million pounds of chewing gum is consumed annually.
I don’t think Santa Ana got a dime from Tommy Adams, for the self proclaimed” Napoleon of the West” and the ” Most Serene Highness” died penniless in Mexico City in 1876 at the age of 82, but his replacement fake leg is being displayed at the National History Museum in Mexico City, so in a twisted sense his legacy lives on. On the other hand, Bruce says “everything dies baby that’s a fact, but maybe everything dies someday comes back” so if you are walking down the street and see a one legged Mexican chewing gum wearing silk yell out “Hey Santa” and see what reaction you get. Groove.
deft hands to create a superbly delicate compound as a prelim liquid that would send us off into the evening. Rum, which is the pillar of Daiquiris goodness, is a dangerous agent which bows to the power of a contemptuous indifference to fate, sets the mind and body free of responsibility, obliterating memory of today and tomorrow, gives an adventurous feeling of superiority, vanquishes all fears and doubts, and in some cases allows the consumer to change his name, or at least add a new one. Could a liquid be any finer ?
Grog, which is basically rum diluted by water with occasional citrus to prevent scurvy, is associated with the bad boys of the seas: Pirates. But in reality, Grog came well after the Happy Days of the likes of Capt. Morgan, Blackbeard, and other pirates. In 1740, the British Navy would issue a daily dram of grog as a moral booster to the swabs and it was unknown what was the strength of the concoction. The Sikes hydrometer, which measured alcohol content, was invented in 1816, but prior to that the alcohol content was determined by mixing the spirit with a few grains of gunpowder then subjecting the grog to the focused rays of the sun under a magnifier. If the gunpowder managed to ignite, but the liquid didn’t flare up, this was “proof” of its proper alcohol content. Even diluted, the grog ration was the equivalent to about five cocktails per day and by the 1950s only a third of the British sailors took advantage of their grog tot. As naval operations became more 
complex with computers and missile systems, the daily grog rations made less sense than when all the sailors had to do was haul around buckets of tar. Finally, on July 31, 1970, what is known in British naval circles as Black Tot Day, the final ration was given to the British sailors. With black arm bands, heavy hearts, and a 21 gun salute – the Grog rations were over after 325 years.
Capt. Morgan rum is the number 2 rum in the world (Bacardi number 1) which accounts for one-third of the billion dollar rum market. It was introduced in the U.S. all the way back in 1949 by Seagrams and is now owned by Diageo which is the largest producer of liquior in the world. Other Diageo brands include the best selling vodka in the world Smirnoff, the two top Scotches Johnnie Walker and J&B , the leading stout Guinness, and the number 1 liqueur Baileys Irish Creme. The ten largest producers of booze in the world own 70% of all liquor brands and that concentration is sure to rise.
I always thought I would be a better gangster than a spy. I think my weaknesses could be easily exploited as a spy and my general attitude is closer to a gregarious Highwayman than a secret operative. One thing is certain, if one’s goal in life was to be a gangster, Prohibition (1920 -1933) was the time to shine.
When Prohibition grabbed the throat of the American public in 1920, it produced many strange bed fellows. It’s supporters included organizations that embraced the dry side of life such as the Coca-Cola company (founder Asa Candler thought that no booze would mean more people would be rotting their teeth with his product); the Woman’s Suffrage movement (Susan B. Anthony gave her first speech to a group called Daughters of Temperance); theatre owner Lee Shubert (who longed for the Broadway bars to empty and their occupants to fill his theatres); most Southern Democrats (Dem. Representative John Newton of Arkansas tried to make the case that Prohibition would bring an end to southern lynchings, for fewer black men would commit horrible crimes if liquor was unavailable); the Baptist and Methodist clergy (“under slavery the Negroes were protected from alcohol and consequently they developed no high degree of ability to resist their effect); three-time presidential
candidate William Jennings Bryan (the great attorney and notorious “wet” Clarence Darrow called Bryan”The Idol of All Morondom”); and the Ku Klux Klan – who were anti-Jewish (hated the likes of the Canadian Bronfman family’s Seagrams Empire), anti-Catholic (they called the Catholic Church “the Mother of ignorance, superstition, intolerance, and sin) and anti-immigrant (hated foreign German brewers such as Busch, Pabst, Hamm and Schmidt).
vertically integrated series of businesses. He built glass factories and ice plants. Got into manufacturing refrigerated rail cars and truck bodies which were then used by his pal Phil Armour of the meatpacking family. He pasteurized his beer which allowed him to ship it long distances. He paid a million dollars for exclusive U.S. rights to a novel engine technology developed by his countryman Rudy Diesel. In 1875 Busch produced 35 thousand barrels of beer; by 1901, mostly because of his new light lager he named for the Bohemian town of Budweis, he surpassed a million barrels. The guy spoke 5 languages, had very cool facial hair, built huge pads in St.Louis, Pasadena, Cooperstown, and in Germany. When He and Lil celebrated their golden anniversary it was celebrated in 35 cities. Oddly enough, he never drank his own beer, referred to it as ” that slop,” and drank wine instead. Adolphus Busch died at the age of 74 of cirrhosis of the liver.
Marvin, Babs Stanwyck, Marty Landau, Telly Savalas, Jack Klugman, and many others shared the screen with Bob) or Kevin Costner (from the 1987 movie with the same name). Visions of Ness stopping Al Capone and his gang were mostly fiction developed by the media friendly Ness himself. The real Ness, though he was a minor annoyance to Scarface Al by raiding a few breweries with highly publicized events, he had almost nothing to do with the conviction and imprisonment of Al on tax evasion charges. Ness tried to become an FBI agent, but came up short. He moved to Cleveland where he ran for mayor and lost by a 2 to 1 margin. Married 3 times, Eliot started hitting the bars jabbering about his crime fighting exploits and died in 1957 of a massive heart attack at the age of 54, a big boozer.
the government of revenue, stripped the gears of the political system, and imposed unjust laws on our individual rights. It released the nasty confluence of bribery, blackmail, corruption, and lawlessness upon the good citizens of this country. The only thing that Prohibition did successfully during it’s nearly 14 year reign: we drank less. In fact Americans continued to drink less 
decades afterward. In the years prior to Prohibition, average consumption of pure alcohol ran to 2.6 gallons per adult per year – roughly the equivalent of 32 fifths of 80-proof booze or 520 bottles of beer. The quantity was slashed by 70% during the first years of Prohibition. It started to climb as American thirsts adjusted to the new regime, but even Repeal did not open the spigots: the Pre-Prohibition per capita peak of 2.6 gallons was not again attained until 1973 (Nixon era). It stayed that high until the current level of 2.0 gallons.
and keep on drinking. Now there are state by state codes, licensing and regulations on closing hours, age limits, and the distance from churches, schools, and hospitals. However, the hypocrisy continues to this day: The 
Jack Daniels Distillery operation is in Lynchburg, Tennessee – which is a dry county - so they can make the stuff there, but you can’t buy it there. Another example, Mississippi remained dry till 1966, but for years a 10% tax on illegal sales remained in place, which basically encouraged the state to encourage law breaking.
also through Irving that Cody’s credibility was enhanced above the stature of a circus-master and the avalanche of invitations from British nobility and the upper echelons of the art world poured in Buffalo Bill’s direction. Cody was also an object of jealousy by Irving’s alleged lover Bram Stoker who would go on to write Dracula. Over the next several years, Wilde’s star rose as did Cody’s.
became seriously involved with Lord Alfred Douglas, whose Dad was the Marquess of Queensbury (yes, boxing fans, the guy who came up with the ” Queensbury Boxing” rules) Anyway, the Marquess didn’t dig Oscar hanging out with his son Alfred even though Oscar was married with 2 sons (the English Way). Lawsuits were filed, back and forth, and O was sure his fame would protect him. Nope, 2 years in prison and as you might suspect, prison did not serve Oscar well. Friends turned their backs, his wife changed her name, and Oscar died in obscurity in 1900 at the age of 46. One of his last lines were ” My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go.” Wallpaper wins again.
Bill’s life worked out much better. He continued the Wild West groove and eventually wound that down. Didn’t really “Leave on top,” but pretty close. Died of kidney failure in 1917 at the age of 70. Upon his death tributes were made by King George V of the United Kingdom, Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany, and President Woodrow Wilson. Much better than battling it out with some wallpaper.
This was Ray’s brilliant idea of the meatless burger, just grill a piece of pineapple, throw on a piece of cheese, squeeze it between two buns and there you have it. After much arguing Kroc decided they would put the two together on the menu at selected locations on Good Friday 1962 and whoever sold the most would stay on the menu. Final tally: Hula Burger 6, Filet-O-Fish 358. So the Fish stays and the Hula is forgotten. They also tried for a mascot, Phil A. O’Fish, but like the Hamburgerlar, Phil was put to rest. Now Mac’s sells 300 million Filet-O-Fish a year with 23% sold during Lent. In the eyes of some it was sad to see the Hula Burger and the Filet break up, but one had to go.
